In this lesson I introduce a range of common English jokes. Please see text and resources below.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the duck cross the road?
To visit the chicken of course!
A horse walked into a bar.
The bartender said, “Why the long face?”
Police arrested two children yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
What’s the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!
What kind of ears does an engine have? Engineers
How do you count a herd of cattle?
With a cowculator.
An Englishman, roused by a Scot’s scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. “Man,” scoffed the Scot, “Have you no ambition?”
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because: 7 8 9
Common ESL / EFL Jokes from http://iteslj.org/c/jokes.html
What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.
Student: I is the…
Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”. Always put ‘am’ after an “I”.
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)
A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
B: Still no idea.
Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.
Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a pronoun like “you”?
A: The letter ” I “
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)
Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)
Q: What letter is looking for causes?
A: Y. (why)
Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)
Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter “m”.
Q: Why is the letter “T” like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.
Q: In what way can the letter “A” help a deaf lady?
A: It can make “her” “hear.
Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter “I”. It is always in the midst of noise
Q: What way are the letter “A” and “noon” alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the “day”.
Q: Why is “U” the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of “fun”.
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What relatives are dependent on “you”?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need “U”.
Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter “g”.
Q: What is orange and sounds like parrot?
A: A carrot
Types of humour
Sitcom (situation comedy)
Newsthump satire website:
The Daily Mash satire website:
Private Eye satire website:
Knock, knock jokes
No thanks, but I would like a peanut instead!
Doris locked, that’s why I’m knocking!
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!
Oink oink who?
Make up your mind, are you a pig or an owl?!
Sheldon Cooper shows us how to tell a knock, knock joke:
Based on crude stereotype that blonde women are stupid.
Note: “blonde moment”
A robber goes into a shop and steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, “Wait, you forgot the remote!”
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?” The other replied, “I don’t know; I can’t see.”
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
Why do men like blonde jokes?
Because they can understand them.